WORDING WHY

Crackling Sky

2011-10-20T08:48:00.000-07:00

She was a white paper package on the doorstep. She was the orange sweater inside.

She was the cool-breezed bumblebee bobbing against the screen door. She was a lion.

She was thank you cards and mystery mail and treasure maps from faraway worlds.

She was the little blades of grass stuck in your hair. She was Paul Simon's scribbled words.

She was a wink and a smile and an invisible laugh.

She was the distant, crackling sky.

Man on Top of Fallen Pine Tree

2011-05-27T10:19:00.000-07:00

He was stomach down against a grounded pine tree at the edge of a quiet white-flowered meadow, arms wrapped around it like it was a memory of her voice that he was never going to let go.

Clouds Stood Still

2011-01-18T10:11:00.000-08:00

The earth spun and spun and spun. Even the sun was spinning, and it leaked through the newborn clouds. He drove as fast as he could but the earth was spinning too fast against him and he moved nowhere.

The clouds moved nowhere. Three hours and the clouds' colors changed from blue to blue to blue and they grew until they burst on the spinning horizon with the speed and energy of a 50-year-old photograph.

2010-12-21T14:21:00.001-08:00

A Man With No Legs and Two Guitars

2010-10-15T11:59:00.000-07:00

I sat next to a man with no legs and two guitars. It was the only seat left on the bus and I didn't feel like standing for the ten minute ride to my stop. I don't know why, but it surprised me that he didn't smell. There was a boy in my high school biology class called Carlos with no legs and a shiny electric wheelchair. He smelled awful.

This man was sitting with his head against the window and the two wooden guitars were resting in his disfigured lap. I saw no wheelchair on the bus.

"You're welcome," he said to the window. I watched his hands cradle the wooden guitars. I'm not sure what kind of wood it was, but it was a dark-colored wood that reminded me of the fence behind the house I grew up in - dark, thick slats squeezed together just perfect for me to throw my tennis ball against all day long. I struck out Willie Mays many times against that fence. I threw faster than Nolan Ryan. If they hit it, I was ready in the field to catch the ball and fling it to first base. Sometimes the play was at the plate and I always made a perfect throw to the catcher. I learned to be by myself against that wooden fence.

The crowded bus moved through the slow-motion city.

"You're welcome," he said again to the window, his breath close enough to wet the glass. His pants were cut off and pinned closed where each knee should have been. He had a one-week beard and a naturally bald head.

"You hear me?" he said, and I looked over to him looking at me.

"Pardon me?" I said.

"Wondering if you heard me," he said. "I said you're welcome."

"Thank you," I said. I had no idea what he was talking about. My stop was approaching. I stood up and balanced myself against the seat in front of me.

"You'll want to hear me sing," he said as the bus stopped and I moved toward the front. "You'll come back and hear me sing, won't you?"

I glanced back at him as I stepped off the bus, but he wasn't looking at me. His face was to the window again.

The bus moved on and I walked against the slow-motion air to my apartment just up the hill. Twenty years ago my little brother taught me to play a song on his guitar. I don't remember what it was, but I do remember it was only a couple chords even though I'm not even sure what a chord is. Once, I snuck into his room and took his guitar and put it on my lap. I stared at it long enough to imagine every beautiful sound I thought it could possibly make. I haven't touched a guitar since.

As I walked up the steps to my door, I wondered if I'd see the man with no legs and two guitars again. And I wondered if he would be singing. Then I think about my old tennis ball bouncing against the dark-wooded fence, and each time it hits it strums a single strum from my brother's guitar.

All My Stacks

2010-08-17T14:13:00.000-07:00

Sure, from here I can suck water from the air, I can move a mountain with a sneeze, I can spit over the edge and watch it wash away a grey-lit city. From here my ice-cream lasts longer. And with one breath I can whistle any whistle I ever wanted to touch my lips.

I can call out her name and she'll hear me no matter where she is.

I can watch the sun orbit the earth and change colors only when it's so close to my eye that it looks the same as the sky. I lean against the moon (I've done this many times). I yawn and swallow stars. I snuggle between atmospheres when I take a nap. From here I can do anything.

But I'm afraid of heights, so please bring me down. Lower me gently and place me on the ground with crooked neck.

Clouded Room

2010-04-02T10:37:00.000-07:00

He sees himself from different corners of the room. From low against the door. From high against the ceiling. Peeking from behind the dresser, the couch, beneath a pillow. From inside the television. He sees himself in the mirror and leans in closer than he ever has before - face touching face - but he's not exactly sure what he's looking at.

He sees himself in ways he never needed to. He sees himself from the steering wheel. From the power lines whipping by. From the horizons and the places on the other side of the hills.

He inhales a cloud and it tastes like cotton candy.

Press against me, watery air.

He sees himself from the pine cone on the forest floor, rolled flat and covered with a season of debris. From a plane. From the blue painted on the restaurant wall. From inside a sneeze floating in slow motion across the room.

He sees his words as shapes like a mountain ridge. He sees his left hand from his right hand. He sees his feet from his back. He sees his body through the blood flowing through him. From shooting stars the size of suns.

Press against me.

Empty It and Walk Away

2010-03-10T14:44:00.000-08:00

Take it and throw it and watch it bounce round and red. Watch it bounce to a roll and roll to a rest. Run in the moonlight, she says. Run in the moonlight and close your eyes.

"Is this the way it is in California," I say.

"This is California," she says.

"But is this the way it is," I say.

"Have a whiskey," she says.

Wad it and take it and make it resemble the smallest thing you've ever seen and kick it. It's pleased to be dealt with.

Jump on the roof with moon-covered clouds sweating on you. Drenchy drenchy drenchy. The moon soothes, she says. The moon soothes, and close your eyes.

Silhouetted

2010-01-26T08:20:00.000-08:00

A mattress spring popped when he got into bed. He tugged the blanket up high.

The sun was shining absolute in a clear sky. So was the moon. Stars were as bright as they've ever been. Outside his window, rows of street lamps pulsated with life. The curtains were transparent and the bedroom light wouldn't shut off no matter how many times maintenance had come to fix it. The television blared bright white.

He pulled the blanket over his eyes, but beneath it his body was glowing the same color as a flare soaring through a brightless night.

Three Legged Bouncing Cat

2010-01-21T13:46:00.000-08:00

A three legged cat bounced across a dusty street. Bouncing, bouncing, bouncing its skinny little head in between shuffling people-feet shuffling up dust.

The three legged cat jumped on a dusty car and lowered itself against the dusty hood and sprawled its body against the dusty sun.

A spaceship zoomed down and took the dusty street's dust and swirled it into a giant dust-swirl and all the shuffling stopped its shuffling as everyone looked through the dust in wonderment when the now dusty spaceship snatched the three legged cat from the dusty hood of the dusty car and zoomed away.

Rainbows in My Head

2010-01-12T08:39:00.000-08:00

I couldn't sleep this morning; there were rainbows in my head.

It was hours before the alarm and the pitch black behind my eyes was brighter than the sun. Blues like a bubblegum Popsicle melting over my fingers. Yellows like the striped sweater Grandpa wore when we all sang The Battle Hymn of the Republic at his funeral. Reds like the color of her skin against the color of my truck the day we both called in sick and drove to Galveston with the windows down and the sun on our shoulders.

I went to the window and opened the curtains and it was as quiet as the dreams I wake-up and forget. This little town makes no sound before the sun comes up. The birds hide in their holes and the cars gather frost. Everyone soundless and asleep, waiting uncomfortably for the reverberation of life to wake them. Even the wind seems it has nowhere to go this early in the morning.

Grays like the 3 a.m. sky I was looking into. Grays like the thick, colorless snow on the hills beyond the parking lot. I stood watching the sky in the dark morning and my breath froze against the single pane glass.

I blinked and the rainbow was still bright behind my closed my eyes, and then I thought that maybe I didn't need sound anymore. Maybe the images in my head were enough. Oranges like my new Christmas basketballs. Violets like the fireworks exploding over the lake that first summer home from the desert war. Indigos like the scarves she wrapped around her smile.

A squirrel darted across the sidewalk and then stopped in the middle of the walkway's low light. It sat calmer than I've ever seen a squirrel. No fidgeting, no worrying, no nervous attention span. The world is a different place so early in the morning. I wonder what the sun thinks of us when it's not here to watch. I wonder if it knows we all just fall to sleep and wait for it to come again.

I stood at the window and watched this little town make no sound. But maybe the images were enough. So I leaned in to the cold and closed my eyes. Greens like the smell of the ocean blowing in my face the first time she kissed me.

Rainfield

2010-01-04T15:05:00.000-08:00

He lay on his stomach in the middle of a grass field near his home and the rain came down fast in the warm afternoon. No shirt, no shoes, no jacket. Grass flavored rain bouncing into his mouth. Water rushed down the line in the middle of his back and pooled just above his shorts, overflowing down each side of him.

She lay down next to him, face to the sky, fingers flexed gently in his hair. She squinted her eyes open against the sharp, wet drops, imagining gravity in slow motion. Lightning flashed bright through the trees at the edge of the field and she counted one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi, five Mississippi, six Mississippi, seven Mississippi, eight Mississippi before thunder rolled over their bodies.

"Wanna leave?" he said.

She opened her mouth to let in the rain. Nine Mississippi, ten Mississippi, eleven Mississippi, twelve Mississippi, thirteen Mississippi, fourteen Mississippi...

Snow Music

2009-12-29T08:29:00.000-08:00

I ran through snow hardened and crystallized from days in the cold. Sticking to my shoe like wet dirt. Hard, powdery snow flicking ahead of each step and landing against itself with quiet chimes that bounced against the music-white hills.

From a Cliff

2009-12-22T11:36:00.000-08:00

They were hiking a new path when they came upon a cliff overlooking the sea. They stopped to drink water and take photos. Sun high in the sky. He walked to the edge and looked down and a smile swept over his face. The water was clear and deep.

"It's too high," she said when she saw what he was thinking. He didn't say anything while he studied the cliff.

"Isn't it too high," she said.

"Maybe," he said, but he kept smiling and studying the cliff.

He put his pack down, took his clothes off, and placed his things on the other side of the trail. He toed the cliff edge. This is high, he thought as a soft wind brushed over his rigid body. The sun is my lover. Take me with you.

He jumped from the cliff and hung in the air with arms and legs swinging in slow motion and then in an instant crashed into the sea, sinking deep below the clear water as the air rushed from his lungs. The sun pushed through the water toward him and he looked up and wondered how deep he was.

He floated below the surface for as long as he could and watched the sun move like notes of music. He swam to the surface and between deep breaths he wiped salt water from his eyes. Finally he saw her, standing against the sky, waving to him. He waved back.

She took her clothes off and threw them behind her and without pause she dashed to the edge and jumped.

Now, Now

2009-12-14T01:47:00.000-08:00

They were seated one table away from the table where years ago they sat and smelled summer rain through the restaurant's only window and spent all night talking about life as though it were a painting wet from their very own breath. But tonight there was a frost outside and they agreed to an early dinner because of their long drives to work in the morning.

The sun sets too early this time of year, he thought when the couple sitting at the table next to them lowered the restaurant's only window shade against the winter sun.

For five minutes they took turns looking at each other while the other pretended to look away. He looked at her and followed the shape of her cheek to her chin, and then turned his attention to the deep mahogany walls and imagined that just past the ceiling they must have risen into the sky. She saw lines in the corners of his face that she never saw before, and then glanced around at the kitschy light fixtures hanging above each table and wondered if a ceiling had ever been so low.

They hadn't said a word until the waiter finally arrived and they placed their orders.

We'll be okay, he said in his mind, looking her in the eyes.

We'll get through this, he continued to himself. We will bring the sun to its knees. We'll take ancient trees and wrap them around our fingertips. We'll kiss again and swallow the ocean. We'll put mountains in our pocket and carry the wind on our back. We'll fly. We'll dance in poems and paintings and we'll taste music. Yes, we can still tame the world. We will have a baby.

She watched him and for a moment he felt the walls beginning to shrink and the ceiling rising away and he was certain that if he walked over to the restaurant's only window and opened it wide that everyone would see the sun reversing course back into the sky.

She stopped fidgeting with her fork and straightened her shoulders in the slightest way.

"I don't believe you anymore," she said.

Piles of Leaves

2009-10-26T10:45:00.000-07:00

The Leaves Fell

2009-10-20T08:40:00.000-07:00

His leaves fell until the ground was covered. The wind swung low and blew them away. Green then yellow then brown then dead, and it all tumbled away from him. Tumbled away in the wind and he stood there naked and cold and alone.

His words have meant nothing and that's all that he had to give. His choices have become who he is. He is no one anymore.

The Man On Top Of The Hill

2009-10-19T22:09:00.000-07:00

There was a man who stood on the top of a hill and let the wind whip his face red just so he could see the sun rise. He let the light burn his eyes white hour after hour just so he could watch the sun move through the sky. He didn't eat or drink all day just to stand on the hill and watch the sun set into the night. And he didn't sleep all night waiting for the sun to wake once again.

He stood on top of the hill for years wishing he were on the surface of the sun, waiting, hopefully, to finally be close enough to taste it, close enough to hear it breathe. He stood on top of the hill for years and waited and waited and waited.

Perpetual

2009-10-16T10:04:00.000-07:00

my

perpetual

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

and

i

feel

it

my

perpetual

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

my

perpetual

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

heart

beat

and

it

only

makes

me

cry

some

days

but

i'm

told

to

keep

breathing.

Rain

2009-10-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

It falls and I let it hit me nowadays. It wets my coat so I take my coat off. It wets my face so I reach to the sky to get closer. It wets my shoes so I take my shoes off. It wets my socks so I take my socks off. My feet sink into the mud but it's too cold to feel anything anymore.

The clouds came in this morning when I was asleep and they won't leave until next year. Leave me alone.

Van Gogh Once Knew

2009-10-13T09:24:00.000-07:00

Good about me is what's good about a sun-yellow
Mercedes swinging down a sun-yellow road. Only
who you are doesn't matter anymore, it seems. I changed

around the time the clocks changed and when your
autumn sweater left the hanger bare. Please, more
hits of sunshine (for Allen Ginsberg), and please, another for me.

Pink moon shadows
paint the silence on misty October nights.

A song for the lovers beats hard against my lonely bar stool, only
I get my beat from the sun-yellow dream pounding in my head.
Say goodbye, say goodbye, say it against the
green arrow flashing me where to go, and please
don't touch me if I decide to never move again.

Changing Season

2009-09-29T17:23:00.001-07:00

Wind and Sail

2009-09-11T08:34:00.000-07:00

He sat on a worn, wooden plank embedded in the very edge of the earth where he grew up, feet dripping into the water, sun breaking skin on his neck.

Dance with me, he asked the wind. But the wind never answered anymore.

He packed a lunch, again. A sandwich and two pieces of fruit. Sun sitting lower and lower with the swell of days. He threw pebbles just to see the water move.

"I don't know if I believe you," she said. But that was weeks before and he tried not to think about it anymore. He tried not to think about how the earth didn't feel solid anymore. How years before, when the wind kicked in from the gulf and swirled around them at a pulsating frenzy, they drove through the middle of the night onto the same stretch of wateredge he sat now. Only now the horizon was a painting frozen in time. In his pocket, though, he kept a sail just in case.

He laid his bare back against the worn, wooden plank and pulled his cap over his eyes, senses drifting from quiet sleep to quiet sleep to a sea bird flying over the open water. Hour after hour just waiting. An old couple walked by, picking up shells from the warm sand and throwing some back, not noticing him laying there in the sun.

“Sit right there,” he said to her once. “Right there in the grass. Let me take your picture.” That was years ago when grass was really green. When the softness of the air they breathed could be measured in theater tickets stubs and Irish beers and dirt on bare feet. But he tried not to think about it anymore.

Later, with nothing left of the day or his lunch, he took his feet from the warm water and stood on the last board, toes hanging over edge. Before him, the sea turned from blue to black, stopping at no color in between. Behind him, the sun dropped lower and wider, and it was the moment when he turned to face it, the moment he began to walk home, that he thought he felt a slow rush of air across the hairs on his arms and his legs. But it was nothing, he soon realized, except maybe the red-orange sunset reminding him of something he had tried not to think about for a long time.

Love and Humidity

2009-08-12T09:52:00.000-07:00

July 31, 2009

South Carolina pours itself on you. Soaks you with big southern smiles and smothers you with $4.99 Monday-Friday lunch buffets. Wraps itself around you with love of self and God.

There’s a lot of this love around these parts. My little sister is getting married tomorrow in Columbia.

Love and humidity.

I’m looking for love on a plate of mustard barbecue, collard greens, and coleslaw at a self-proclaimed “World Famous” joint. Tall glass of lemonade and extra napkins. Roasted pig seated on a throne in the middle of the room.

I’m looking for love in a rain-soaked sidewalk reflection.

I’m looking for love and memories at the Army Navy Surplus on Main St. The lady next to me is looking at a used field coat for her daughter’s elementary school musical. “That coat has a spirit,” I want to tell her. I wonder if my BDUs have made their way to songs and dance.

I’m looking for love on my run this morning. Watching the sun pick up through the haze. Watching a little girl in a stroller wave to a little white dog being pushed in another stroller.

I drink the air it’s so full. Love in humidity. I take big gulps and try to fill myself.

love and humidity

2009-08-02T21:43:00.000-07:00

soaks you when you don't want to be soaked. reminds you when you don't want to be reminded.

get away get away

runs down your cheek when you're too tired to run anymore. runs down your back when you just positioned yourself against the fan.

close me close me

a song played that i'd heard before and everyone was smiling so i smiled too.

love and humidity offer no escape.

Sun

2009-04-09T14:17:00.001-07:00

The sun leaked through the window and he cracked his eyes to see what it was and he shifted his body toward the heated sensation against his skin and then his cracked eyes opened just a little wider.

A Thousand Miles is a Long Way

2009-03-02T19:42:00.000-08:00

Dirty wind picked up and he placed one hand on his head to keep his hat from blowing off. On the hood of his truck he sat as cold as the moon rising over the Bitterroots on the horizon, just like the way he felt three weeks before after he saw the look in her face when she said she didn't love him anymore. Said life's too short. Said she loved him once but nowhere did it say she had to keep on.

Pulled in for gas a few miles back just past the only town he'd seen all day and the attendant said his card was no good. Declined twice, she said. Mind runnin' it again, he said. Sure, sure, sure, she said, but I seen this before. Come down this road likely you got a card that's no good, she said. And you ain't gonna make it wherever you're goin' by sundown.

Don't need the sun anymore, he thought.

Wind getting in between his teeth now and when he closed his eyes to keep the silt out it seemed brighter than the brightless night.

Blot Me Out

2009-02-07T21:17:00.000-08:00

I'm being blotted out. Out. Out. Out. Blotted out. Denied permission. User unknown. Blotted out of the life.

Raining

2009-01-27T22:07:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been raining. I've wet words and hands and persistent confirmations regarding life moving forward. Life moves forward and I'm just like the brick in the wall that sings and sings and sings to me over and over and over and over and over and over and there are some moments when I get it. I get the big picture but it's only a moment and then I go back to the thick grinding of day to day. Yes, I've been raining and it wets my every step.

-

Moon moon moon moon moon moon moon mother walk me home tonight and bring me peace.

-

I've been raining as of late and when the sun comes I stop to pay tribute to all impostors of joy and hope and happiness and subtle understanding but I never stop raining.

-

Like the snow blowing coldly across these fields I wait for spring.

Reckoner

2008-12-24T12:56:00.000-08:00

"Reckoner" - Radiohead - In Rainbows, 2007

Reckoner
You can't take it with you
Dancing for your pleasure

You are not to blame for
Bittersweet distractor
Dare not speak its name
Dedicated to all you
All human beings

Because we separate
Like ripples on a blank shore
(In rainbows)
Because we separate
Like ripples on a blank shore
(In rainbows)

Reckoner
Take me with you
Dedicated to all you
All human beings

--if you have a few minutes give this song a good listen:

Petrified

2008-12-04T13:57:00.000-08:00

He stood against the bedroom wall and motioned to the window with his hand and the light came toward him and toward his black raincoat hanging on the door. The light came heavy like a rain cloud and he closed his eyes and let it soak his face. She was wearing house shoes and her best pair of blue jeans and she walked by him without looking and said nothing as she went to the window at the other side of the bedroom.

"Don't close it," he said.

Her best pair of blue jeans reflected light from the window and then a shadow when she pulled the curtain closed.

The light left his face and he stood against the bedroom wall like a broken, petrified aspen. She turned toward him and slowly moved from one side of the bedroom to the other, as though figuring the best way to approach a puzzle.

"You haven't eaten today," she said.

He stood against the bedroom wall, listening only for the room to cave in, and when she finally left she didn't notice the flinch on his face when the door banged shut.

punt my head

2008-11-29T21:00:00.000-08:00

punt my head and wash my hands of dirty little pieces of dirt dirtying my bruised fingers every time the sun drops so early here in the land of wobbly-hilled brown and black and gray earth. earth mothered the ache in my leg and the limp in my leg, in my step, in the dance i created with rum flavored ice flavored water.

taste me and tell me what i'm worth.

you played that song for me yesterday and told me to listen word for word and the words said "i don't want you to be alone down there" and you said it would be fine.

catch me, catch my head and taste my worth and please run a finger through my hair and laugh so loud you cry. run with me counting star after star after star in the fog-lit night, fog-lit morning, fog-lit life.

Warming

2008-11-23T00:27:00.000-08:00

Rub my hands together, rub them together. Touch my legs together, touch them together. Breathe a little in my mouth and give me life to warm.

Opened shades and unlocked doors and workless days and in my little room there is a ceiling so low it pushes against my nose and the blankets are heavy and they fall to the floor around me and under me and beside me and away.

My only warmth comes from the sun's reflection on the early moon. My only warmth comes from the friction of my life against the air. Run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run but I've gotten nowhere.

My Leaves Will Fall

2008-10-21T20:58:00.000-07:00

My leaves will fall and the ground will be covered and the wind will blow them away. Green then yellow then brown then dead and tumbling away from me. Tumbling away in the wind and I'll stand here naked and cold and alone.

-

The door was open so I stepped in and she came around the corner looking at me like she'd never seen me before. Like I was a stranger she'd never known and loved.

Winter's come early this year. Water-filled skies raining icy drops that pierce me until I bleed.

The winter has come early this year and on the way back to my suitcase and bed the wind pushes and pushes and pushes me down.

October

2008-10-03T06:57:00.000-07:00

Red morning sun and red morning clouds tell me about yesterday.

a reason

2008-08-06T22:05:00.000-07:00

the sun rose and we closed our eyes and she pushed her hand toward me and i touched it like i did during the song we danced slowly to in the dark. she touched my cheek with her hand and then my hand with her cheek. open your eyes, she said. open your eyes.

the earth rolls gently here - most of the time. like a newborn ocean.

i looked at her bunched against my shoulder. bunched easy and relaxed and so close. she moved her body even closer and whispered something to me and, silhouetted against the early morning, smiled a little smile that went through my body like a rocket.

tired sky

2008-05-09T14:22:00.000-07:00

i pulled off the highway to santa fe to see about the rear right tire. turned off slowly toward the pavement edge and the bright brown sand. sky touching my face on this backroad highway to santa fe. kicked the empty tire once and kicked the graveled rocks once, too.

i put my hands on the graveled, bright brown rocks and lowered myself to the ground beneath the truck. dusted off my pants after i rolled on my back to lower the spare. thundercloud over the jemez mountains to the south.

pumped the jack slow and listened to the sweat from my forehead fall and wet the cracked asphalt near my boots. rear of the truck rising to the sound of metal pressing metal.

need me to get out, she said from the passenger window. ain't too heavy am i, she said.

i smiled to her and stood to stretch my back. dusted off my pants and looked back to her and smiled again. she rolled up the window and turned back toward santa fe. in the rear view mirror she touched her face and touched her lips and sipped a bottled water. a red-shouldered hawk sitting on the fence post across the highway looked at me. the tired sky still blue and white and gray.

tick tick ticking

2008-05-03T14:54:00.000-07:00

she had a smile like the taste of the wine in the glass between us. looking at me with her legs clasping my ankle below the table where no one could see.

tick

tick

tick

tick

tick

tick

tick

tick

tick

tick

when i remember three years ago

2008-03-14T07:19:00.000-07:00

on a green park bench in spring waiting for you. you came around the corner and my short, quick breaths nearly stopped. then they did stop when you came closer. you came to me and we smiled, hand in hand, underneath our favorite sky. walking just above the ground so everyone could see. and everyone did see. you in white and me next to you. you and the carousel and the flower bouquet.

when i remember three years ago i think about our window seat at la mere catherine. and, you in your dress coming around the corner for me.

this is what to me

2008-03-01T12:42:00.000-08:00

sun melt and snow glow though it's only midnight. trounce my little corner of the world with epiphanies. moon's dark echoing on the window next to me. barely see-through. i see through and she still sits there with blinking television feedback keeping her awake. chilled wind served close to home. chilled wind served high and hard. snow glowing, though it's only midnight.

when the rain falls

2007-10-19T07:21:00.000-07:00

when the rain falls falls down i go to town. sit around. wipe my brow and go to town. it falls falls down.

august at night

2007-08-31T17:24:00.000-07:00

an upright fan recreates the summer breeze. shades pulled, doors unlocked, a light in the back bedroom left on.

august nights no more, she said. goodbye, she said. she said she could see me again when winter comes.

take that with you to bed each night, that goodbye, i say. take it with you and leave the light on when you sleep, i say. take it away from here and this browning landscape.

wheats torn down to dirt and bundled up high and sent away over oceans. august at night is my november back home. with light trying to sneak away without a goodbye.

life untitled

2007-08-06T23:42:00.000-07:00

it's like an ambulance caught between windowpanes. light from a tunnel and it's as green as the ground you're standing on. then blue like your father's favorite paint, still there, still wet from being left outside. rains run down the window but only in chile where she once sat looking at travel brochures. glossy and creased and three years old with a twin tower skyline but she didn't know. she told me i said gracias wrong and i asked her how and she showed me with her lips and i said thank you. that's what they do when it rains on the coast, she said.

-

glass comes from light and she came for me with a portable record player whispering tchaikovsky's symphony no. 4. the light came through the glass like the end of night shift. i'm awake. i'm awake.

-

she wrote something on her napkin, folded it up, and pushed it across the table to me. she smiled and leaned in toward me. i smiled and leaned back against the chair and took a sip from my tea. open it she told me and i laughed and looked out the window and the parking lot was almost empty now and she told me to open it. i took my napkin from my lap and wiped the creases of my lips. she reached for her napkin but i told her okay, i'll read it. i leaned forward to open it up and she leaned back against her chair. the frost on the window catches the light and holds it longer than a breath.

-

green like the green you're standing on and blue like the brightest night.

where have you gone georgia o'keefe?

2007-07-08T22:52:00.000-07:00

you left me here with a landscape that i can't seem to imagine. like the sun rising at night. like high desert blooms in december. you left me here with that funny bone. i try to laugh, i do. but they're all here and you are not. where have you gone? your puppies say hi. they miss you. they think you're coming back but i say i don't know. your flowers have yet to wilt but sometimes i forget to water them. where are you? you left me here with a landscape that my dream saw inverted. browns in the skies and a blue earth. sunlight sweeping across the frame from i don't know what direction because things are becoming confusing during the full moons. cloud covered stars. do you remember when we had lunch together? you said you'd never forget. you said you'd never leave. where have you gone? do you know you left me here with an empty landscape? i look for the horizon but it's no longer on the wall and i must have placed it next door with that lady who never liked you. i'm sorry. i went to ask her if she'd seen you come by but she closed the door on me and i heard her shut off the television. your garden is gone now. consumed by the sun. around me are images of you trying not to smile but you always, always smiled. i try to laugh, i do. but you left me here with that landscape you said you would never show me because it didn't exist. like an ocean over new mexico. like an ocean cloudball. you said something about a color i can't pronounce and you walked away. where have you gone?

left side of my brain

2007-07-08T18:33:00.001-07:00

there's a window in my room and a sun inside my head. take me to texas. take me to maine. take me to melting snow in july. there's a roof over my head and a basement in my room. take me to texas. take me to western wyoming any spring. there's a grill on the porch and a chicken in the freezer and no a/c on this block. fan per room blowing hot air and you take cues from the dogs and just sit as slowly as you can. palms sweat on the keyboard. sweet taste. there's a neighbor next door and they have new grass from austria. strong from centuries even. water everyday this grass and i wonder why it doesn't rain. i don't want to water our yard because i think if the earth wanted it to be green then it would rain for us. want water and ice though. lemonade and ice though. there's a chair underneath me and a hope inside my head. flowers have bloomed and shriveled already. our flower. take me to texas. take me to costa rica and throw me down the river and teach me to roll my r's. there's a pen in my hand and a pin in my spine and the pin is keeping me from writing my words. flashing my smile three days a week for them and taking it home with me. the days are so long i'm already nervous about winter. stay away. take me to endless summer.

L for elbow

2007-06-19T21:30:00.000-07:00

my elbow is on the table don't shoot, but beware of the other one too. hee hee hee it's on the table HAHA!

tell me one thing about this thing called elbow. oh, you know do you? elbow in the ear, i bet. boom.

then there is that guy who came to the office and was like do this for me and i was like why and he was like the customer is always write and i was like don't you mean right?

elbow to the cranium!

shuffle shuffle

2007-05-08T21:42:00.000-07:00

hey my maine gal shuffle shuffle
snuggle up and shuffle shuffle
snuffle upple shuffle shuffle
like a dance (pause)

hey my maine gal shuffle shuffle
wear your hat backwards or sometimes forwards
place the beat then kick it over
snicker snicker ha ha shuffle
tap your feet then shuffle shuffle
hey you looking don't just shuffle
like a song (pause)

hey you maine gal shuffle shuffle
pounce on sunrays shuffle shuffle
pass on x-rays and syrup waffles (pause)

hey you, maine gal
shuffle shuffle like a duffel
dance in rainbow's midnight bubble
snuffle upple shuffle shuffle
like a tip-toed pirate's stubble (pause)

hey maine gal looking upper
looking subtle shuffle shuffle
river's melted snuffle snuffle
shuffle shuffle pear tree truffle
hey my maine gal whisper your favorite noise (pause)

blind man guiding mountain tours
shuffle shuffle blind man shuffle
maybe maine gal's sudden subtle
like a dance (don't pause)

santa fe

2007-04-25T22:09:00.000-07:00

santa fe santa fe sante fe colorado. less than a month away from desert sunsets and moonrises. dogs off the leash and food food food. i've never been to santa fe and have been doing a little research and i can't believe that i'm not living there now. santa fe santa fe santa fe pull me over. pull me over and push me down.

for any emerson in maine

2007-04-16T20:36:00.000-07:00

swing low, sweet chocolate and cookies. swing low. make it a belgium or two. swing low. carry me home. swing low, nor'eastern. take me home. take me home. swing low, maria. leisl. carry me back. swing low with your laughter and the way you make us feel when we are around you. swinging low. swing low, sweet chocolate and cookies and imported ales and cats sleeping on your head and whispers of colorado.

dialogue with a snowboarder

2007-02-26T07:14:00.000-08:00

(reflections on my snowboarding trip to mt. spokane this weekend)

interviewer: so, i saw you attempt that jump under chair five.

snowboarder: right on.

i: i was impressed with the body control.

s: right on.

i: the twists and flip were amazing.

s: (smiling) right on.

i: can you tell me about the landing, though?

s: uh, did you see it?

i: yes, i did. everything seemed to be going perfectly well right up until the landing.

s: well, i thought it went well enough.

i: but you landed on your head.

s: are you sure about that?

i: yes, right under chair five.

s: oh, well that’s a pretty big jump. pretty gnarly.

i: it was on the bunny slope.

s: well...

i: so, were the twists and flip intentional?

s: what magazine did you say you write for?

pumps

2007-02-20T20:58:00.000-08:00

i got pumps like a gas station gots button up jeans. pumps and pumps. i got a trumpet in my closet.

what about the guy today running on the trail who asked if our dogs were supposed to be on a leash. i said maybe and he put his ear plug back in. then i said "olive juice" to him without saying it aloud but i don't think he saw my lips. it must have been the rain. i bet he had a trumpet in his closet. seven point one miles of trail on a cold rainy day and he's the only person besides us on the trail. aren't those dogs supposed to be on a leash? "olive juice."

do you know who that was?
no, who?
officer ___.
you're kidding.
no, i'm not.
why didn't you tell me?
tell you what?
that that was officer ___.
i just did.
i know, but before i told him "olive juice" without saying it.
why did you say that?
because, (singing) girl - - - you'll be a woman - - -soon. (end singing)
what?
oh, nothing.

dry the rain

2007-02-04T08:09:00.000-08:00

and the snow and the wet black sky. bring me invisible sky. as invisible as possible to let light through.

b-day

2007-01-30T07:11:00.000-08:00

this is a shout out to my d a double-d y.

yo, d! happy birf-day!

unimportant necessities

2007-01-28T11:15:00.000-08:00

"unimportant necessities"

( s l o w b e a t )

i've got a picture of a lazy burden.
it's got me going like a midnight woken.
it's got me going like a princess spoken.
i've got this picture and it's all but broken.
i've got a picture of a lazy burden.

( m o n o l i t h)

i've got a picture of a lazy burden.
i've got a picture of a lazy burden.
i've got a picture of a lazy burden.
i've got a picture and it's got me goin'.

( m y s p a c e i n t e r r u p t e d )

cram me with each moving motion.
cram me with a sky shaped ocean.
cram me under red face glowin'.
i've got a picture of a lazy burden.
i've got a picture of a lazy burden.

( i m n o t g u i l t y )

look at me now with eye shut wonder.
look at me now with eye shut thunder.
look at me now with sky shaped ocean.
i've got a picture of a lazy burden.
i've got a picture of a lazy burden.

( m o n o l i t h )

i've got a picture of a lazy burden.
i've got a picture of a lazy burden.
i've got a picture of a lazy burden.
i've got a picture and it's got me goin'.

( u n i m p o r t a n t n e c e s s i t i e s )

i've got a picture of a midnight woken.
i've got a picture of a sky shaped ocean.
i've got a picture of a red face glowin'.
it's got me goin' like a lazy burden.

driftin' away

2007-01-24T07:07:00.000-08:00

my cheerio soup has gone warm. stale like my sunglasses during a northwest winter.

but i'm smiling now because the sun is peeking through the window earlier than it has in quite a while and i feel i'm driftin' away...

stream of my mind

2007-01-23T21:05:00.000-08:00

you know those cartoons where it's a bright sunny day with flowers of all sorts of neat colors and children eating ice cream cones and then all of the sudden a rain cloud appears above only one character and just pours?

i wish i had a rain suit.

i wish i were a boxer - or, at this point, i would even take being the bag.

i wish i could squeeze this computer into a little itsy bitsy teenie ball and kick it through the big hole in the wall that i wish i could punch in.

or maybe i'm thinking of an episode of pinky and the brain where world domination was almost had.

my face as ice

2007-01-01T21:16:00.000-08:00

northwest

2006-12-29T11:27:00.000-08:00

i've noticed a change over these few years. noticed how this northwest is changing me.

half days

2006-12-28T23:19:00.000-08:00

my half days are beginning when the sun is still down.

my half days are beginning when the sun is up.

my half days are beginning when the wind chill says 12.

my half days are beginning when the wind chill disappears.

my half days are lit up like roman candles on easter morning. lit up like a morning. light me up.

french benefits

2006-12-24T10:01:00.000-08:00

a friend's gift to us this holiday season was dinner for two at a new french restaurant in the area.

easily the best dining experience we've had on the north american continent. easily. (though i admit i'm rather easy to please when it comes to food...)

i know none of you probably care what i ate last night, but i'm going to tell you anyway. i'm going to tell you exactly what we ate: (from the menu at West of Paris)

----

From the Chef (on the house - I guess you would call it the pre-pre-appetizer)

-Shrimp in a white wine bath

Pre-appetizer

-Terrine de canard a l’huile de truffes et confit de figues et miel

(country-style duck and pork pate with truffle oil, mushroom and fig and honey garnishes)

Appetizer

-Bisque de Homard

(lobster bisque)

-Escargots a la Bourguignonne

(baked escargot in garlic and parsley butter)

Main Course

-Filet mignon de porc sauce Coligny avec sa polenta grillée et ses pommes cuites
(Pork tenderloin cooked in Burgundy white wine and home-made white stock, flambé with aged Cognac and seasoned with wild mushrooms. Served with a slice of crusty pan-fried polenta and cooked apples.)

-Côtes d'agneau ou filet tendre d'agneau au thym frais, sauce à la menthe accompagnée de son gratin dauphinois
(Pan-cooked Lamb chops or lamb tenderloin seasoned with fresh thyme and mint gravy, served with scalloped potatoes and a fresh vegetable of the day.)

Palette Cleanser

-Lemon sorbet mix

Salad

Cheese Tray

-Assortiments de fromages

(Selection of domestic and imported cheeses)

Pre-dessert

-Mini-crème brûlée

Dessert

-Turinois sur coulis de framboise

(Faugier chesnut and chocolat dessert with Grand Marnier liquor served on a raspberries bed.)

-Crêpe poire belle Hélène

(Warm crêpe served with a cooked pear covered with hot hazelnut chocolate)

"it's not a meal; it's an experience!"

month of the moon

2006-12-22T07:08:00.000-08:00

we watched the moon last night. lots of talk about moons lately. lots of moons lately. the month of the moon. the thinnest layer of ice under our feet. watching the moon and standing on ice and breathing breathing breathing breathing breathing breathing breathing breathing breathing breathing breathing

under my wear

2006-12-21T17:17:00.000-08:00

under my wear i will celebrate today.

long live the beginning of the return of daylight!

i got off work today and the sun was still out. i teared up. i took the pups in my arms and said 'girls, let's go burn some daylight,' and they were happy to join me. so we ran and ran and ran until the sun went down. it was the best five minutes of the week so far. i can't wait until tomorrow when there will be five and a half minutes of sun.

hike above hell's gate state park, idaho

2006-12-18T17:38:00.000-08:00

(aka: experiment in grainy image subduction)

moon shadows

2006-12-05T19:18:00.000-08:00

we walked behind our moon shadows tonight. moon so bright against the snow and air so cool against our faces.

moon shadows tonight.

peeps

2006-12-04T07:11:00.000-08:00

here's me shouting out to all my peeps.

"hey peeps!"

just so they know i'm still alive. because shout outs are back in style baby!

to travelling, also. and long long layovers. and snow. shouting out to the snow!

"snow!"

but not burnt rice. oh no no no no.

2006-11-25T07:53:00.000-08:00

Leap and the net will appear.

-zen saying

blah(g)

2006-11-13T22:31:00.000-08:00

blah blah blah blah blah(g)

clones

2006-11-08T20:11:00.000-08:00

i laugh at you if you think democratic politicians are any different than republican politicians or if republican politicians are any different than democratic ones. they are the exact same people. ha ha ha. the joke is on you.

under weather

2006-11-06T21:21:00.000-08:00

for lp - wishing there was something i could say to make things better, to make things easier, to turn nightmares into what dreams may come.

wishing the other side of the world weren't so far away, weren't so far away, weren't so far away. wishing time weren't so far away, weren't so far away, weren't so far away. weren't so uncontrollable.

wishing there was something i could say to make things like a bass guitar, like a bass guitar, like a bass guitar sneaking up just before the drums. wishing life were like a smokey stage, to make things easier, to make things visible, to make things understandable by the human ear. wishing music flowed through our veins, to make things easier, to make things better, to turn nightmares into symphonies.

wishing maine was open, was open, was closed for a winter, was open for your friends to listen, to listen, to open for the band, to make things like a band, like the music, like the leaves falling along the path. blown by wind just faster than we can run. to run and make things easier. wishing maine were running and listening and turning moons into spotlights on the smokey stage.

wishing there were something i could say on the smokey stage, to make things easier, to make things better.

wishing we never had to watch a friend leave.

remember

2006-11-05T09:31:00.001-08:00

remember remember the fifth of november

snuffleupagus

2006-11-03T20:39:00.000-08:00

The snuffleupagus says:
"When it rains, and I mean when it really really rains, I like to think of the raindrops as meteorites from the moon and I laugh when they explode on me as though I'm not really wet but covered in moon liquid."

party like it's your...

2006-11-01T06:58:00.000-08:00

BIRTHDAY!!!!

Mom, it's your Birthday. You better party like it's your Birthday. It is. It is it is your Birthday!

Here's my Birthday poem for you:

Birthday for Mom

Oh, Birthdays are so fun
and you don't have to run
to get places
or meet new faces
because now we have cars
to drive really fars
not at all like when you was
young and growing because
you are much older now
and don't have to ride a cow
or horse to get to the store
to buy lots and lots more
stuff for your Birthday cake
that you shouldn't have to make
by yourself with all those folks
on the farm who tell jokes
and like to make cakes
for people who are nifty
and like you turning _____.

Hope you like it. I'll keep that last word blank because I don't want to give away how old you are today.

Happy Birthday!

tiffle

2006-10-31T22:17:00.000-08:00

a sniffle and whiffle and stiglerie stout. touchy and muchy and pilsbury shout. ha ha ha, ha ha ha, and inkly pink stew. wee hee hee ha ha ha come drinky for you.

ha ha ha

ha ha ha

hee hee hee heeeee

2006-10-30T21:28:00.001-08:00

going through some old photos and this one made me really happy...

things to do in the dark

2006-10-30T06:55:00.000-08:00

1. use electricity

2. put your sunglasses away

3. put your suntan lotion away

4. watch one of those movies that is too dark to watch during the day

5. get sleepy way too early

6. blah(g)

7. get out your sunglasses and clean them just in case the earth tilts on its axis

8. knit / quilt

9. try to remember what the sun looked like

10. laundry

--Leave a comment if you have a good suggestion that isn't on this list.

days end

2006-10-29T19:29:00.000-08:00

today is what i like to call the beginning of darkness. the first day when we the clocks are turned back. the worse day of the year.

this photo was taken today as i was looking south from my front porch at 4:00pm pst. if you look closely, and i mean real close, you can make out the omnipotent void where the sun used to be.

i can't wait until tomorrow...

on earth

2006-10-25T00:15:00.000-07:00

i went on a run through the dark tonight. feeling for ice spots below my feet. feeling for the power of the earth.

asking

2006-10-24T22:06:00.000-07:00

who is doing this to us

making us kill each other

making us disappear without a trace

like the power of the whole earth is at stake

who will grab it?...as if it were for grabbing

why do we need more than we have

who is doing this to us

making us want more than we have

making us kill each other for a power that isn't ours

for a history that will disappear without a trace

who does this to us

creates us to kill each other

gives us the power to kill

die with no history

gives only the privileged hope

who kills us without a trace

i weep for the lost time on earth

those dying for nothing but others' glory

who is doing this to us

creating a beauty we can't touch

blinding us to think it is possible

making us kill one another

creating war as a way of life

who is doing this to us

making us believe we are the purpose

we are the center and the beginning and the end, ha ha ha ha

who tells us these lies, tells us it's our fault

who is doing this to us

dying for lies

making us believe the lies are true

forecasting

2006-10-24T07:15:00.001-07:00

temps dropping near freezing and a chancing of snow tonight. not looking forward to chancings of snow. no no no.

met melissa yesterday who used to be jason but not anymore. used to be jason but not anymore. met her but not really because she didn't even introduce herself. melissa tall as a six foot one tree. used to be jason.

can't finding a store that sells snow chains for motorcycles. wondering why when there gets a lot of snow here. maybe i should search for studs because good golly miss molly knows that i don't want to ride on ice with no grip. grip grip grip. all i need is a little more grip in my life.

no worries.

could it be that it's the season of the shark?

tomorrow in view

2006-10-22T10:54:00.000-07:00

just weeks away now. like the longest day of my life. seasons as hours. seasons as ticks on the clock. but i see it now and i will hold my breath to turn purple like the sky. i will hold my breath. tomorrow in view.

i imagine it will be like winter with too many quilts. words like this. i imagine these words are confused like seasons as hours. but they're words just the same. just words.

tomorrow in view and i'll hold my breath. wonder wonder wonder.

$1

2006-10-20T16:15:00.000-07:00

if i had one dollar i would go to the dollar store.

rock me amadeus

2006-10-19T22:15:00.000-07:00

rock me hard.

make it like corn flakes with a helping of sugar to sprinkle over the top.

make it like space heaters that heat only the space around your foot (singular).

make it like strike three looking.

make it like a psycho kitten who sleeps on your head.

make it like scrabble without the s.

oleo

2006-10-18T16:14:00.000-07:00

friday night at the blackhawk with miles and friends and we're thumpin baby thumpin. Oleo! yeah, just like that. just like that. bump bump bump ts ts ts ts ts ts blow baby blow!

-

if my career doesn't take me around the world, maybe i'll be able to survive as long as i can have a little miles playing on the computer while i work.

maybe.

(AUDIO: Miles at your fingertips - Listen to a sample of Oleo)

wahatoya wahatoya wahatoya

2006-10-17T18:47:00.000-07:00

wahatoya rising up from the edge of my world, sweeping away dusty moonlit shadows and sneaky right up close to me. up so close. so close next to me.

wahatoya in my dreams last night. two dreams about wahatoya. wahatoya coming home to me. going home to wahatoya before the sun rises. going to wahatoya before the sun melts it into the ground. wahatoya dreaming again.

lightning in a tunnel

2006-10-16T21:48:00.000-07:00

long tunnel makes like a telescope and magnifies the brightness at the other end. but that's all it does, magnifies. makes it seem brighter than it really is. makes it seem so close but when you reach out to touch the light you feel nothing and you lean toward it thinking you're so close and you start falling but trust that the brightness will catch you because it seems so close and so real and so thick that surely it must catch you from slamming into the ground. but you keep falling with your arms stretched before you.

while on the ground you hear vehicles coming toward you from the end of the tunnel but you can't see anything. you roll over and look up and everything gets closer and you don't even make an effort to move, hoping the sound is of the same illusion as the light. but then you feel the ground shake and you doubt but don't move. the ground shakes even more. you doubt but you don't move.

then one day many years later you are in oklahoma during a lazy evening when off on the dead horizon you see a streak of lightning and you reach out and grab it with both hands and take it close to your face and it burns your lips until they bleed but you don't care because now the illusion is yours.

when days differ only in spelling

2006-10-10T21:37:00.000-07:00

i made some chocolate chip cookies and feel much better today. and i finally have some milk without a date from the past stamped on the jug.

---

my ride home from work now consists of stretching my neck as high as i can just to get a glimpse of the sun before it dives behind the hills. but that's what it's like this time of year. even the sun is cold and seeking shelter.

every day has blended into the day before and i guess i should have expected this. silly routines that i promised myself long ago i would never fall into. such predictability. such predictability.

is there anything worse in life than having to wake up to an alarm?

snuffleupagus

2006-10-09T22:11:00.000-07:00

The snuffleupagus asks:
"Has anyone seen the iguana?"

shaking of the earth

2006-10-09T07:05:00.000-07:00

i experienced my first earthquake yesterday.

i didn't feel anything, though. i was sleeping. (though i did wake up in the middle of the night with the cat sleeping on my head.) in fact, i didn't even know an earthquake occurred until my brother emailed me from texas.

but there was one in washington and i was in washington and even though it was far away from where i live i'm sure the earth shook just a little bit underneath me. it had to have been at least a 0.1 in pullman. well, maybe it wasn't, but it is still very very scary waking up and getting an email that tells you there has been an earthquake in your state.

very scary.

jinxed

2006-10-05T21:17:00.000-07:00

get off me jinxy! leave me alone for just one minute!

ball one

2006-09-30T20:47:00.000-07:00

the guy next to me liked this girl so much. so much he even went over to talk to her. but he has morals, he said when he came back. he has his limits. three strikes and she was already out of there, he said. long gone. i ask him how she could strike out so soon and he tells me, she's french, she's a vegetarian, and she has the same name AND birthday as my mother.

i asked how he got that much info in less than two minutes and he said, i don't know but i think she likes me.

dog days

2006-09-30T20:44:00.000-07:00

sometimes it feels like a punch in the stomach. but what can you do? you can't be mad because their intentions were so good. can you? shake your head with me. shake your head and just ask why.

---

the days are getting shorter and shorter but feeling longer and longer.

like the world's gone upside down.

pearls into jam

2006-09-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

it was a pearl jam night to the fullest. all through the night, in fact, and into the morning. with a bass just for you.

a cure

2006-09-24T21:53:00.000-07:00

the sun was out and bright but i couldn't get rid of my chill. i jumped and jumped and rubbed my hands together. i put my face into the sun and tried to swallow. i couldn't get rid of my chill.

---

miss idaho gave a prayer before the racers got on their marks. she asked god to provide us with a cure before even one more women suffers from this awful thing. i wondered why nearly three thousand people donated thirty dollars if a prayer is all that was needed.

what will it mean when the next mother or sister or daughter or aunt dies? will miss idaho feel devastated that her prayer was not answered?

---

the lady in front of me had a placard below her race number saying "i'm racing in memory of: ____." i wanted one so i could put michelle's name in writing but the countdown had already begun.

---

at the finish line i watched people in pink hug each other, many women with pink scarves identifying them as survivors. i thought about michelle, and i thought about miss idaho's prayer.

bumblebee in my face

2006-09-19T12:43:00.000-07:00

like rain water splashing across my face a bumblebee landed on my cheek and asked me why grass turns brown. it flew away and i opened my eyes to a sky torn in two by the blue-backed sun.

eyes of texas upon me

2006-09-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

my face leans against the passenger window of my mother's full-size pick-up. the drive from austin to cameron revealing the texas i never knew growing up. no skyscrapers or outlet malls or ten lane thoroughfares. no, this is the texas that pops up only in dreams. lazy hills just tall enough to tease you about the endless land on the other side. population sixty towns with one mexican restaurant and two abandoned grocery stores. this landscape contrasting the eccentric hills of eastern washington. this landscape a different hypnosis of sort. but maybe the magic lies in my memories, taking me back only years. but it also laughs at me, taunting me as if this were the only place on earth and everyone knows it but me.

"texas," the landscape whispers through the dusty window, "is going nowhere. texas, my friend, is this world. go go go go go anywhere you want, but texas knows."

la tengo (yo la tengo)

2006-09-12T22:43:00.000-07:00

keep missing things by one day. sign up by thursday, the flyer says as i'm reading it on friday.

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received a jolt of electricity today. lights flashing in my head with a rhythm so unlike disco ball saturdays or halloween midnights. lights flashing with their own little rhythm that gets me so high.

yo soy electricidad.

i can dig a life hanging around scholars. never thought i could, but now i think i can. there has been more energy than i've anticipated. giving me learning withdrawals. light bulb in the head withdrawals. want to be plugged in not a day too late.

ghosts

2006-09-08T16:01:00.000-07:00

the office is quiet now with everyone gone but me. computer motors buzzing just like the ghost in a nightmare i once had. i was maybe 9 or 10 and i can still picture it so clearly. a surreal street with surreal street lights that didn't light up anything except the ghost. and this pitch black ghost was taller than the street lights so i could only see it from the waist down. legs shuffling down the street, me unable to get any distance between it. and that was it, for what seemed like hours. i don't know why it scared me so much. i think about it often. but maybe the most memorable thing about this particular nightmare, other than the fact it is still so vivid in my mind, is that night was the last night i remember ever waking up and going to get in bed with mom and dad because i was scared. it's been nearly twenty years and i can still see myself waking up shaking and sweating and feeling dizzy like i was being hurled through the middle of the universe and asking mom if i could squeeze in next to her.

the ghost in the office right now is pounding at my chest. trying to get to something, maybe. looking for something inside me, maybe. but it is pounding and pounding and i don't know if i should let it in.

smoke in the air

2006-09-07T07:17:00.000-07:00

it is becoming much harder to breathe.

and to see.

and to judge distances.

and to wake up.

and to figure things out.

for jm

2006-09-01T23:37:00.000-07:00

when the ends of the earth come to you as san jose take a step back and re-examine the shape of the world. every point is someone's furthest away point and that very same point is someone's lifelong home.

may this quest take you to your inner being and help you make miracles in others' lives. i love you brother.

breaking the gender barrier one job at a time

2006-08-31T21:10:00.000-07:00

i crash stereotypes. call me crashtastic. crashtastilistic. oh yeah. and throw me a gender stereotype and watch me get crashified.

i pave the way for men the world over. i am the paver. call me pave-master-C. c for congratulations. c for karate. i pave the way.

i am a hero. hero schmero. feelin' schmero today.

i am employed. yes, say it again with me - employed. i gots me a nice little set-up and i had to break some barriers to do so. the odds were against me and i crashed through the paved path into the hero's box-seat with catering privileges.

i am man.

i am man secretary.

you talk to me of gender stereotypes and i laugh ha ha ha at you. ha ha ha with you if you'd like. ha ha ha ha ha. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hee hee hee ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

look who's laughing now. seriously, look.